6-8-12

31,680 feet. That’s how much paved road there is in Bethel.

Talk about a change.

When I was doing my research before moving to the tundra, I came across this interesting factoid: “Bethel, Alaska has more cabs per capita than any city in the United States.” There are 93 cabs for a population of just over 6,000.

I’ve been patronizing said cab companies all week. I live (temporarily) on the outskirts of town and I’ve had orientation at the hospital since the day after I arrived. I’ve made fast friends with one of the Albanian drivers, Tony. He always seems to be close by when I need a cab and he always has a story to tell.

Today, we talked about Prague and Krakow. Not so much about the cities, but the gorgeous women who populate them. He told me that I need to spend a few weeks in Eastern Europe and “find yourself a supermodel.” Seems like sound advice to me.

I’ve been pondering what my next relationship will be like. Like Louis C.K., I feel that I know too much to be single. I’m not sure I possess the optimism necessary to go into a relationship without worrying about what might happen.

I’ve been quite surprised about the number of my female friends who tell me that I’ll have no trouble at all. I’ve always considered myself to be quite awkward around the opposite sex, but I think that my being married for as long as I was gave me a different viewpoint. I haven’t been speaking to any women from an “I might be able to date her” perspective. This has given me a chance to get to know women on a more personal level, not instigated by lust or desire. So, how will I fare when I finally dip my toe back into the dating lake? To say that time will tell seems like a cliché, but I suppose it’s a cliché I need to embrace.

Not that this will be happening soon by any means. I still have quite a bit of work to do on myself before I attempt something as grand as this. Still, I think it’s a sign of acceptance, healing, and moving on that I’m even thinking about it in the first place.

My name is Jack. I love spending a rainy day with a good book. I appreciate good wine and I believe that there’s a special hell reserved for those who waste good scotch. I’d rather go for a hike than to a club, and I think time spent together is time well spent.

Would you like to get to know me?



Jack

6-4-12

I’m sitting in a Seattle hotel suite overlooking the airport I’ll be leaving from tomorrow. This city is beautiful, especially when it’s raining.

The last week has been a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions. I’ll do my best to get to all of them, but I’m sure I’ll forget something.

The divorce just keeps dragging on. Every time I feel like things are getting better or that I’m moving on, it gets worse. I never knew someone could hate me so much. Being despised by someone you love rends and tears at the heart in a way I’ve never experienced. The old adage is that, in order to become tempered and strong, steel must undergo searing heat and great stress. I’ve heard this message, more or less, repeated over and over by those who council people undergoing a divorce. I hope that it’s true. I’m not sure how much more stress I can take.

I’m on the road so; as a consequence, I’m in my own head more often than is healthy. Everyone keeps telling me to focus on the present moment, to ignore the past until this transition is over. I wish I could follow their advice, but every time I try the past comes hurtling back. Exhaustion only goes so far. I’m not sure what’s beyond it.

My drive up to Seattle did give me a chance to see an old friend. I haven’t seen Dan in almost 2 years. We only saw one another for a few hours, but the time spent apart didn’t diminish our friendship in the slightest. We had coffee on Sunday morning, before I left for Washington. Sitting outside in the Oregon sunshine, we wrote three songs in the space of an hour; Just Dan, me, and a ukulele. Every happy memory from St. Kitts flooded me for that hour. All the days spent together writing and playing music. Our first show at Ziggy’s. Meeting our brother and musical soul mate, Tom. Lazy Sundays at Lion’s Bar, our feet in the sand, writing songs. Lion would always mix us rum punch, giving us all would could drink as long as we kept playing. I need to go back to St. Kitts. I never thought it would become my second home, but I keep hearing that island song.

When we were just getting started in the Caribbean, we were befriended by Masud Sadiki; one of the kindest and most gentle souls I’ve ever come across. He brought us into the music scene, introduced us, and got us gigs. That’s all well and good, but it was his friendship and kind nature that impressed me the most.

He was found dead recently and I’m still in shock. The police report says suicide, but I can’t bring myself to believe that. His death hit everyone in the band pretty hard, but I know Tom is suffering more than any of us. Tom and Masud were close in a way I never was. They worked on several albums and made amazing music together. When Tom let me know that he had died, I could hear the anguish in his voice. We had always hoped to write some songs with Masud, but the opportunity never materialized. That will forever remain a regret for me. I hope you rest well, Masud. I miss you…

I leave for Alaska in a few hours. I’m ready to start this new adventure and sleep is eluding me thus far. It’s hard to believe that I will be in Bethel tomorrow and at work the day after. I know that I’m ready to get back to what I love, but it’s been so long I worry that I’ve forgotten how.

Still, I can’t believe that all the hard work has finally paid off. My first job as a nurse. Wow. And in the tundra, no less! It seems I’m destined for an interesting life. I hope I never lose the lust for travel and new experiences I’ve cultivated these last few years. I’m sure there are many more adventures to come.

In spite of all the craziness, I’m happier then I’ve been in quite some time. Going to Monterey had a great deal to do with it. I saw so many friends I lost count. Kristin and Sameer gave me shelter, food, and friendship; as well as time with my little nephew. I don’t think they’ll ever understand how much that meant to me.

Henry and I got drunk and played pool, quoting movies until the wee hours. Dave, Kristi, Deeda, Sameer and a few others invited me to a beach barbeque; a reunion of sorts for the old ER crew. Reb and Casey had me over for dinner and wine and little Miss Kai spent most of the evening playing games with me or telling me to play her different songs; thankfully I brought a guitar. Marta and Birch had me over to see Sasha and to have lunch. Angus and Karen did the same, minus the child. I saw Makai and Skot, and Daniella has grown at least a foot since I saw her last. She’s almost old enough to drive! Holy crap! She was seven the first time I met her. Time does indeed fly by.

I saw and did quite a bit more, but I feel Morpheus beckoning me down into the dream realm. I wonder which gate he’ll open for me tonight…



Jack

5-19-2012 Continued...

For a country with a nursing shortage, it sure is difficult to find a nursing job.

I’ve sent out 153 resumes and applications since March and received a handful of replies; most of which were no. The few that said yes were all over the map, hence my extended road trip across the country. I’ve interviewed in Colorado, North Dakota, Utah and Alaska thus far. I’m curious to see if I get callbacks for any of them.

August, 2008 was the last time I punched a timecard. I’m sure many people would consider it heresy, but I miss working those crazy shifts and ungodly hours. Sameer has great stories after each of his shifts and the clinical part of my brain screams for a diagnostic challenge.

I haven’t even worked a shift as an RN yet and I’m already planning my next move. I’ve applied to several nurse practitioner programs and received letters of interest from a few more. I won’t have to relocate for graduate school, which is a nice bonus. The didactic portions are online and the clinicals can be arranged where I live. Sure, there are a few residential colloquia here and there, but I’m all for it.

Meanwhile, I’m looking into what certifications I can get. I picked up ACLS and PALS already, so the hunt is on for others which will bolster my resume. The funny thing is most of the places I’ve interviewed with or spoken to think I’m perfect for the job, they just don’t hire new graduates. The majority of hospitals want at least one year of acute care experience as a prerequisite. The trick is: How do I get that experience? Years of experience as an ER Tech and Medic put me way ahead of other recent graduates, but that doesn’t seem to matter to the Human Resources department. If they can’t tick all the little boxes on their piece of paper, then my resume goes into the circular file. I have little choice other than to keep plugging away and I’m not in the mood to get frustrated by these setbacks.

I was hoping that Community Hospital would welcome me back with open arms, but there again I got to learn a lesson in humility. My old boss made it very clear that she was going to hire someone else with more experience. She also pointed out that I was given a warning about being sick too many times in 2004. I asked her why, if she believed that a past action defined present character or future actions, did she bother to call me in the first place. She didn’t give me an answer. It seems odd that she would overlook someone with 5 years of experience working in that department, someone with whom all the physicians and nurses have a good working relationship with, someone who already knows the system, as well as someone who helped design the department. However, it is her department and she has to run it in a way she feels will be best for the patients and the hospital. If that path does not include me, then so be it. I’m just sorry that I won’t be working with my old crew again. Maybe someday in the future things will be different.

As my first choice has evaporated, I’m setting my sights on more challenging jobs. The Alaska position would be my next choice. I’d be working for the Yukon-Kuskokwim Health Corporation in Bethel, Alaska. They provide care to an area comprised of 80,000 square miles which encompasses 56 different tribes. It’s a non-profit hospital and most care is provided free of charge. I’d be working in the primary care clinic as well as floating to the ER time and again. I’d be able to transfer to the ER after a year, as well as get my flight nursing certification (many of the most emergent patients have to be picked up by plane or helicopter and flown either to Bethel or Anchorage). It sounds like a chance to practice truly rural medicine. Here’s hoping that they want a second interview.

Not too much to tell other than that. I’ll be meeting Marta and Birch for lunch tomorrow. I haven’t seen them in far too long and Mr. Sasha (my other little nephew) has gotten even bigger. I can’t wait to see that little man walk and talk.



-Jack

5-13-2012 to 5-19-2012

What a thing it is to have friends.

I haven’t been here very long and already my social calendar is full to overflowing. I’ve been so busy in fact that I’ve neglected this journal. So, I’ll attempt to catch up with this entry.

I’m staying with Sameer and Kristin while I’m here. About 6 months ago little Ajay was born and I became Uncle Jack. I haven’t seen the munchkin since November and wow, he’s grown. Oxytocin is a hell of a neuromodulator, as I have this sudden, overwhelming urge to be a father. My conscious mind knows better, but try telling that to the nonapeptide let loose from my pituitary gland to overwhelm my senses. 

Angus and Karen invited me over to The Freaky Tiki® (patent pending), for an evening of pizza, laughter and reminiscing. Makai and Skot were there as well; a welcoming party of sorts. I was amazed how quickly I fell back into the rhythms and cadences of friendship with all of them. Here is a group of people I haven’t seen in four years, yet it was though we’d just seen one another last week. The evening came to an end far too quickly and I delayed leaving for as long as I could. I haven’t that much time here in Monterey, but I plan on seeing them all again as soon as possible. I’ve had to miss out on two outings already because of other commitments which came up suddenly, but I still have some time left to rectify that.

I got to hang out with Henry as well this last week. We had a blast, some coffee, went for a walk, and wrote a song; all within the space of about three hours. Henry became the caretaker of our old cat, Mr. Grey, when we went to St. Kitts in 2008. We couldn’t take the furball with us and Henry offered to take him in. Now, they are thick as thieves and Grey has become so friendly as to be unrecognizable.

I also spent a lovely morning with Melanie. We had some coffee and chatted about times gone by. I suppose that time and distance had something to do with it, but I had forgotten how much I love this area and the people who reside here. Being able to walk back into my life has been eye-opening and refreshing to say the least.

Ajay sounds a little cranky, so I think it might be time for a bottle and a nap. I’ll write more soon.



-Jack

5-13-2012

What a difference a day makes. I settled into Monterey and I’m already happier than I’ve been in the last two weeks.

Sameer and Kristin are letting me borrow their guest room while the hunt for gainful employment continues. Not only am I thrilled to see them and spend time with them, I also get to resume my uncle duties with Ajay. I’ve rarely come across such a happy and inquisitive baby. Of course, the prospect of spending this much time with a little one is going to reawaken my paternal instincts. At some point, married or not, I’d like to be a dad.

I stopped by my old hospital to see some friends today. It’s only been a few years since I left for St. Kitts, but so much seems to have changed. I will get to catch up with folks during my time and that makes me happier than I can say.

After my visit to the hospital, I met up with one of my best friends, Henry, for coffee and a jam session. We joked about our shared musical affliction, G.A.S. (Gear Acquisition Syndrome), and wrote a pretty neat tune. Hopefully, we can lay down a demo while I’m here. It’s been years since we’ve written a song and I forgot how well we work together.

Tonight should be fun. I’m headed off in a little while to have dinner with friends that I haven’t seen in years. I’m not sure what’s on the menu or even how many people will be there, but I’m excited nonetheless. This return to California, however brief, is exactly what I needed. Distance relationships, either with lovers or friends, are always difficult. There is something so comforting about being able to give someone a hug and laugh together in the same room.

I have a feeling that most of my days will be filled with visits, meals, coffee, and conversations; I can’t wait.

-Jack

5-12-2012

I drove 947 miles today. I’m exhausted but still awake. Lame.

I’m back in California, but I don’t know for how long. Hopefully for good, but it may just be long enough to see my friends; I guess time will tell. Monterey seems to be the city where I say goodbye. I said farewell to my teenage years here. I said goodbye to my old career and embarked upon a new one not far from where I’m typing this.

And I may have to say goodbye to this city and the friends who call it home once again.

I guess my writing style has a depressive tone, as I received eight e-mails asking after my well-being not two hours after I put up the last entry. So, I guess I should clarify a few things.

When I mention my difficulties in regards to being alone, I’m not speaking in a figurative sense. I don’t think I realized how many friends I truly had until after I opened up about the divorce. I was inundated with phone calls, e-mails, and letters almost immediately. To be honest, I never felt so loved and cared for in my life. When I speak about learning to be alone, I mean it literally. For almost 13 of the last 15 years, I’ve been with someone almost every day. Like I mentioned before, I find myself bathed in silence most of the day; I’m still getting used to it.

As for the tone of my entries (“It made me want to cut my wrists a little”, as a close friend put it), I don’t mean to come off like a low-rent version of Hubert Selby, Jr. This is a place for me to take the thoughts out of my head and try to examine them objectively. If I spend too much time letting my thoughts simmer, I’ll forget the recipe for sanity. This journal gives me the opportunity to vent and, more importantly, to let things go.

Now that I’ve gotten that out of the way…

Dammit. Now that I finally started to get a rhythm going, the melatonin is kicking in. I suppose it’s time for bed. More later; I promise.

-Jack

5-11-2012

Team Devastation was reunited today. Celak Lives. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but it’s awesome nonetheless.

I’m in Provo, Utah and I just got back from lunch and a movie with my little sister (from another Mister), Celeste. I haven’t seen her in almost two years. We were fast friends when we got to St. Kitts. She shared my love of Family Guy and stupid movies. We could have entire conversations using nothing but quotes from cartoons. This was a source of bewilderment and hilarity for our friends, most of whom didn’t know what the hell we were talking about.

Today, we had a “truly Utah lunch” according to Celeste, then went to see Dark Shadows. The movie wasn’t that great, but heckling the film made up for it. The Caribbean Cinemas on the island was our most frequented hangout and we heckled films there all the time. No one ever minded because they were either talking on their cell phones or doing untoward things in the back row.

We reminisced about torturing our English friend on the Fourth of July (Down with Tyranny! Down with the Queen!) and general mischief we got up to on St. Kitts. It was a proper visit, but still not enough time to truly hang out. It was still great to see her. Until next time, Lady-Dude!

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I’m off to Reno tomorrow. I don’t have any particular destination in mind; I just think it’ll be a good place to stop for the night. I’ve driven 2700 miles thus far and I have about 1200 to go. I’ve been making good time, though; about 700 miles a day. All those Critical Care Transport shifts on the ambulance certainly trained me for long days driving.

I use far too many semicolons. I just noticed that.

I still haven’t heard anything about the Alaska job, but the woman who interviewed me said it might be a few days. Part of me really wants to go there. My parents lived there for about 8 years and I always loved to come and visit them. Besides, Alaska is full of people starting over. Maybe that’s the best place for me at this point.

No news on the divorce front. As of now, our marriage is over June 28th. That may change as things unfold, but I hope it doesn’t. I’m tired of floating about in ether of uncertainty. Moving on is difficult when I seem to get dragged back into the past every other day.

I could lie and say that I’m getting used to being alone. I lie about that to myself sometimes. I haven’t had any success thus far, but if anyone can delude themselves into thinking it one of these days, it’s me. I find myself not speaking for 95% percent of my day on this trip. An occasional “Thanks” when I buy a soda and the back-and-forth necessary to check in to a hotel, but other than that, nothing. The latent Zen Buddhist in me says that maybe silence is what I need right now; silence and reflection.

I guess the answer(s) will come in time. I hope so, anyway.

-Jack